DASHINGLY QUIRKY LIVE - BRIGHT SIDES - 2021

Hello people of the world!

And so begins a new gentle deluge of Quirky related audio drama content for your delectation and delight!

This week we start with the release of DASHINGLY QUIRKY LIVE! A wonderous celebration of new writing - new, uplifting, comedy writing - from our winners of this years comp! This year for the 'LIVE!' aspect, we were delighted to gain a spot on the Edinburgh Festival's Laughing Horse Online stream, and also were live on zoom via a link from their site.

We present

            Locked out By the BRILLIANT Paul Spencer
            A journey exploring one woman's way of dealing with and overcoming grief and loss
            This has a ...Hope punk feel to it and has an all star cast consisting of some of the most
            talented folks in audio drama today

           Tanja Milojevic as
           Evan Tess Murray as The Doctor
           Angelique Lazarus as The Meditation CD Voice
            Karim Kronfli as Billa
   
           INTRODUCING Méabh de Brun as JANET (our walk-on part!)

            LIVE FOLEY By Ele Matelan and the cast
 
           Music by the fabulous Tom Rory Parsons

           Delivery of an alarm clock by the BRILLIANT Fiona Thraille
           Jeremy and Jean take delivery of....a Llama and a Cockerell...and try to fathom the true
           recipient of these unusual... unexpected packages, to find something even more
          fantastical is afoot.
          This has a trad sitcom vibe of funnn, with a loving couple trying to deal with the absurd, 
          and some  wonderful performances from folks as various animals!

           Jeremy - Karim Kronfli
           Jean - Sarah Golding
           Lllama - Angelique Lazarus
           Neighbour - Nathan Blades
\
           INTRODUCING - Bridget Guziewicz  as THE COCKERELL

           LIVE FOLEY By Ele Matelan and the cast
 
           Music by the fabulous Katie Seaton
          
           and

           THE WONDERFUL AUDIENCE as a variety of farmyard animals.

          ALLLLL of the tech on the day was run by the wonderful Paul Spencer. 

         Coming soon is the after show chat wherein I thnk lovers of audio drama will find
         a lot of inspiring chats, advice, insight and discussion!

Thank you for listening, and, if you do enjoy the show and still want to support the artists involved, or to help ensure future productions of DASHINGLY QUIRKY LIVE to celebrate even MORE new writing, feel free to pop some pennies to our KO-FI, or of course would always love some more Quirky Patreons!

HAPPPYYYY CREATING ALL

We truly hope this inspired YOU to get writing too!

Sarah  Golding and Fiona Thraille
Quirky Voices    /   Dashing Onions

Chapters

• 5:34 INTRO TO ELE MATELAN OUR FOLEY CAPTAIN O CAPTAIN!
• 10:28 VOICE ACTOR WARM UP
• 18:28 INTRO TO WALK ON PART - MÉABH DE BRUN!
• 22:33 INTRO TO THE FIRST SCRIPT - LOCKED OUT BY Paul Spencer
• 41:22 MINI MADIVA, ADWIT PODCAST SHOUTOUTS AND ALL SUBSCRIBE TO THE FICTION PODCAST WEEKLY NEWS
• 43:28 FINDING OUR FARM ANIMALS AND INTRIDUCING BRIDGET GUZIEWICZ AS OUR COCK - COCKERELL!
• 47:51 DELIVERY OF AN ALARM CLOCK BY Fiona Thraille
• 1:02:26 A CHAT TO WRITER Paul Spencer
• 1:04:36 A CHAT TO WRITER Fiona Thraille
• 1:06:11 Catchup with Ele Matelan about creating and performing live foley!
• 1:11:17 Thank yous to our musicians Tom Rory Parsons and Katie Seaton
• 1:13:53 Where folks can follow and find works involving our cast and crew of audio awesome
• 1:20:11 Thank you for coming and...GET OUT THERE AND WRITE!

Transcript

DASHINGLY QUIRKY LIVE – BRIGHT SIDES – 2021 –

AUGUST 21 20:30PM BST

MUSIC___INTRO MUSIC WHILE AUDIENCE ARRIVE, LEADS INTO...

MUSIC___DASHINGLY QUIRKY MUSIC!

SARAH

Hello groovy people of the world and zoomland and youtubeland and podcastland and….well, wherever you are….this live session is being recorded right this second, and will be available later as a podcast, so for today, you’re all stars of the show– hurray! We do hope you’re chilling comfortably, perhaps with some kind of Oz9 podcast Colin inspired cocktail and….hearty welcomes to our live show….the next beautiful toned person to speak is the fabulous Fiona Thraille….

FIONA

Hello! And the last gentle whimsy of a person you heard was the glorious Sarah Golding. AND we welcome you with gusto to Dashingly Quirky 2021!

Sarah

Live!

FIONA

Live!

SARAH

AND ONLINE.

FIONA

Yes and online.

SARAH

AND GROOVIER.

FIONA

Naturally. We’re very excited to be a part of this year’s Edinburgh Free Festival! Thanks to the Laughing Horse venues for hosting us!

SARAH

Yes and even more excited to welcome some new writing to your eyes and ears and mind’s eye, yes, not one but 2 new audio comedies and one with a more hope punk feel to it - yus let’s hear a huzzah!

All cast

HUZZAH

SARAH

Huzzah for some original written new writing from the winners of our Dashingly Quirky script writing competition 2021 …by two astoundingly amazing authors, Paul Spencer -hurray - and Fiona Thraille – hurray - performed shortly for your delectation and delight….let’s hear one more huzzah!

ALL

Huzzah!

FIONA

How exciting!

SARAH

Yes, I’ve never felt so excited.

FIONA

You got a towel?

SARAH

DONT PANIC (holds up towel)

FIONA

How lovely. Now I don’t want to alarm you, but you are about to witness and hopefully enjoy some of the best indie audio fiction voice talent in the world right now, technical prowess from Paul Spencer, live super fun choreographed foley from Ele Matelan, some glorious original music from Tom Rory Parsons and Katie Seaton…and did ya see our artwork by the fabulous Scrapnick? Amazing!

SARAH

YES AMAZINGGG. What a show we have for you people! You’re all very very very lucky and it’s wonderful to have you here….We will also pop a link into the chat to the script for you which Fiona will do in 10…9….years…it takes a little while huh?...You got it there Fiona?

FIONA

Can’t talk….adding link…

SARAH

Shall we all give her 5 more seconds to get it in there – count with me if ya like - 5,4,3,2 – HUZZAHS! Feel free to open that and follow along if you like – and Please do make sure you have the subtitle live captions enabled so that you don’t miss a word.

FIONA

How do we do that?

SARAH

Well. There’s a tab at the bottom of the screen that says CC in a white box. Click on the up arrow next to that and enable the subtitles and…yay, this was written.

FIONA

CC Box at the bottom, click enable subtitles. Done! And on a PC, click on the three dots at the bottom of your screen and…enable subtitles – done! Oh, and Er…Sarah….we mustn’t forget to introduce the er….(makes noise like an aeroplane, taps face to make rain, unlocks a lock)

 SARAH

…errr…..forget to.. Fly my patted face to unlock the key to the universe?

FIONA

Well yes maybe but…FOLEY. SARAH. The main reason to do this crazy Dashingly Quirky adventure OTHER THAN showcase some new writing, is to invite a behind the scenes look at voice acting, and the wonder and invention of live Foley, oft used in current audio fiction to create the most amazing stories in sound.

SARAH

WHY YES OF COURSE. I didn’t forget, because I wrote about it in this next bit of our script.

FIONA

This bit is scripted?

SARAH

Yeeessss. (FACE) Which brings us to our first guests star this year who is indeed our Captain oh Captain of the foley table of audio joy….Eleeee Matelan! Hello Ele! And welcome.

ELE

Hello (and your greeting of choic

ELE

I would LOVE TO. So foley is INTRO TO FOLEY OF YOUR CHOICE OR

Foley is the fine and feisty astutely choreographed creative party done live, or recorded and later added into any audio drama. F e)

FIONA

So usually Ele works her foley magic onstage to live audiences and we appreciate the limitations of this way of connecting with you, our cast and crew and audience from all over the world but! We will do our very best! So Ele, please Can you tell our audience exactly what foley is, and later we’ll perhaps get them to have a little …experimentation with it too?

irst utilised during live broadcasts of radio plays in the 1920s, instead of playing sound effects in on records or phonographs, radio stations hired folks to create the sound effects on cue in the studio with all sorts of fun props and ingenious resources. Jack Foley is credited as one of the pioneers who moved to the film industry and paved the way…aurally…for techniques in live audio production of sound that are still used today.

SARAH

So what do foley artists actually doooooo?

ELE

Well, a huge number of things. We can enhance the storytelling of a scene and….create the sound of footsteps, doors opening and closing, weather effects, glass breaking, storms at sea, horror show heads squishing, and blowing up, and exploding and….other ambient noises. Anything you want – we can do! And specific effects like some of the sounds you’ll hear today. Listen out for…..the creation of a monster using my chami here….the foley door…some singing bowls, a car wheel as a cd player and more. It’s all choreographed to work alongside the script, music and actors to add to your enjoyment and entertainment, and often – like this show – enhances the excitement of watching a live recording.

SARAH

I’m even more excited now. So do keep an eye on Ele during the show BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZZINGGG. 

FIONA

Marvellous. And is there anything else our viewers should do for optimum delectation of this years show?

SARAH

Well, they can  – if they want to click on the sentence top left of their screen to ‘TURN ON ORIGINAL SOUND’ in case they are utilised for the audience participation section of this script!

FIONA

There’s audience participation?

SARAH

You know it…yes, so folks, turn on your cameras and if you like your mics for complete chaos as, at our Dashingly Quirky Live shows we do like to get our audience involved, so….let’s have a practice shall we?

FIONA

Yes they said…loudly and confidently! I guess it’s time to start the vocal warm ups now huh Sarah?

SARAH

YES IT IS! As voice actors it’s key to make sure you warm up properly like you would for any performance or endurance sport so – all you need to look out for it THIS SIGN MEANING STOP MAKING NOISE (Crosses hands) and….let me introduce the wonderful Angelique Lazarus to get us started with some stretches!

ANGELIQUE

Hallo story lovers from sunny Canada! So let’s open up those rib cages and have a stretch as high as you can above your head, and breathe gently in so your tummy goes out, and breathe out. And in. Out. Superb. Now let’s stretch as wide as we can and again, breathe gently into that tum, and innn again, and blow ouutttt-welldone! Karim Kronfli….over to you.

KARIM

Hello there folks – thanks for joining in today! Ok let’s do some face work. Make your face as big as you can. As small as you can. Big. Small. Big. Small. Bigsmallbigsmallbigsmallbig. Let’s do some…..gurning.

SARAH

WHATS GURNING KARIM….?

KARIM

It’s a national sport of scrunching and mushing and squishing your gawjus face into all sorts of positions.

SARAH

Can ya show us?

KARIM

The pleasure is all mine. Like…this! (Gurns) Now you! That’s it! Really move all the bits of your beautiful faces! Let’s see those gurning squished bits…. Ohh yep…I feel nicely warmed up there now. Amazing! And back to you…. Fionanannaaa!

FIONA

Hello! OK let’s warm up those tongues shall we? To a cartoon sound of your choice let’s stick our tongues all the way out gently, and then back in…..ready….and out (sound / demonstrate) and in. (Sound, demonstrate) and again. And. One more. Let’s do….flat tongue, thin tongue, or if you follow Nic Redman, and if you’re not you should be - Burger tongue, Sausage tongue! Burger. Sausage. Burger. Sausage. Introducing the wonderful…Evan Tess Murray…

EVAN

Hello folks – so good to have you here at our EDFEST show of joy. Let’s do some tongue trills shall we? Let’s go from the top of your range to the lowest of your range. Breathe in and (high to low tongue trill). And again. And one more. Great. (STOP SIGN) Now. Let’s get us some….buzzy lips. Let’s do a siren for as long as one big breath holds out. We’ll start high, go to the lowest of your range and back up and down for as long as you can go in one breath. If you stop, or run out of breath, just start again. Ready and go! (Lip trills x 3/4) Great! And stop! (STOP SIGN) Sarah!

SARAH

HMM yeah….Maybe. Wipe your screens now if you were….productive! We’ve done some face and tongues let’s do some annunciation. Introducing one of the loveliest voice actors and best horror screamers I know – Tanja Milojevic!

TANJA

Hello world! Super to be with you today – apologies for not being able to see me, but, I am still here! Ok. Repeat after me! Really open your mouths and frame all of these sounds – stretch out those oral resonators! Meee MAA moo MAA mee MAA moo X3. Really open those mouths wide. Let’s do it slowly. Meee MAA moo MAA mee MAA moo. And repeat it a few times really really fast! Meee MAA moo MAA mee MAA moo X3 FAST Great! And stop. Introducing the fabulous Nathan Blades!

NATHAN

Hello joyous people! Oh tis so grrrreat to have you here! Nearly done - can we all count quickly but concisely, really framing the words from 1 to 10 with our tongues out? So 12345678 etc. Ready? Go 1 2345678910. And one more time, reallyyyy open up and make sure all the words can be understood with clarity of diction people. Like wot how I speak. Ready? Go! 12345678910! Thank you that was fabulous. I heard you allll. Fiona

FIONA

THANK YOU team. Hope you all feel warmed up there. Now, we can begin the first script

and…

SARAH

HANG ON PAL. What about the bird song?

FIONA

Ah! Yes! If you would like to help the cast make the soundscape for a bird song chorus, please unmute and turn on your video. Karim and Ele would you like to choose some gawjus birds please? (FIONA CARRIES ON AS K AND E quickly choose three people) Of the feathery variety of course…If you can whistle, superb, if not, you can prompt for a

dove…

SARAH

Or a owl – twit twoooo

EVAN

Or a jackdaw (SOUND)

NATHAN

…or a one of these (SOUND) or these (SOUND)

ANGELIQUE

….or these….(SOUND)…

FIONA

Very good – CHEERS cast! Karim do we have some volunteers?!

KARIM

Yes, NAME 3 PEOPLE – I think you would make a fabulous gentle Dawn chorus.

ELE

And yes, thank you for volunteering NAME 3 PEOPLE – you’ll be accompanying me on the bird warbler here – the verbal cue is some music so to make this easier for you to know when to come in (and it is very early in the script and just once), FIONA will hold up a sign to show when you start to whistle and caw and coo – it’s meant to be a serene morning and not a horror scape so, ya know, tweet accordingly please and with a happy vibe. Shall we practice?

FIONA

Let’s! (HOLDS UP BIRD SIGN. TAKES IT DOWN). Great! Yes, just look for the sign to be gently taken away to fade out the bird sounds and then please mute yourselves and turn your cameras off again for the rest of the script. Thank you!

That’s the bird sounds sorted – now LET’S START THE SCRIPT….

SARAH

HANG ON PAL. Hang on….What about the walk-on?

FIONA

AH YES. Our walk on part. In this play the protagonists sister is called Janet. She has a few lines, and, by the power of the internet, we welcome Méabh de Brún to the show. Hello! Please turn on your camera and enable your sound. And where are you joining us from today?

MEABH 

ANSWERS

FIONA

Welcome! 

SARAH

AWESOME, Now. A bit of direction for you, we need it loud, warm, inspiring, and….dramatic. Janet is otherwise softly spoken, kind and comforting in tone of voice. Shall we have a go at the poem? JUST THE POEM lines on line no 108. We can do the other lines cold - which means without practice - later because we know you’re going to be amazing working alongside Tanja one o the best VA’s in the world. No pressure.

TANJA

Nope. No pressure…I look forward to working with you!

SARAH

It’s just a world premiere of these words said by amazing you, live at Edinburgh Festival Free festival 2021, online. Ok. Tanja will give you your cue so you say your line when she’s said ‘Found it’. Ready? Tanja….over to you.

TANJA

Hello MEABH / TAL! Welcome to the show. Now don’t be nervous. - we got the fun part! You got the lines in front of you ok? Great. So. I’ll cue you and just perform the first lines of the poem. If we need you to be louder, we’ll point upwards. Other than that, have a play with a voice that you think suits my lovely warm, wonderful sister in this piece. Ok. Ready? Here’s your cue. Start your lines when I say…’THERE. FOUND IT.’ Ok? Just have a glance over it – any words you need help pronouncing? Let’s just nail that now as best we can….(LISTENS TO AND HELPS PRONUNCIATION OF ANY WORDS) Ok. You got this. You ready? Ok. Here comes the cue…

Tanja

There. Found it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER MEABH  / TAL PRACTICES POEM

108 JANET                           ‘Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!’

TANJA

AWESOME! You have SO got this! Everyone wants to ‘shun the frumious Bandersnatch’ now, I can feel it! I can’t wait for you to do it in the performance of the whole thing in a minute! Great job!

FIONA

Wonderful! Let’s have a wave of hands for Meabh! Great. So you’re in scene six, so at the end of scene 5, when you hear the line ‘I’ll step up, scouts honour’, please….make sure your camera is on and you’ve unmuted yourself, and get ready for your cue! And folks, lets just have a round of applause for Meabh on their edfest debut! Ok. I think we’re ready?

SARAH

Er…There’s just one more very very very important person to introduce here Fiona – Paul Spencer! He’s doing the tech for the show and playing our music. Everyone give some waves for Paul - Break a leg Paul! . We’ll speak to him more later. We also need to say right now that in this first script we have moments of grief and peril, and there is a popping balloon, so please do be aware of these things if they adversely affect wonderful you. Ok. Ready team Bright Sides?

ALL Ready!

SARAH

Ready Meabh?

MEABH – AUDIENCE PERSON! READY!

FIONA

Ok. Please mute yourselves and turn off your cameras unless you are performing. Thank you. Dashingly Quirky Bright sides Presents our first piece – some new hope punk, uplifting writing – Here we go! Enjoy!

MUSIC ___PAUL CUES THE MUSIC FOR LOCKED OUT

KARIM

Dashingly Quirky Bright Sides presents….live at the Edinburgh Free Festival 2021 Locked out, by Paul Spencer, with beautiful music by Tom Rory Parsons.

SCENE 1

001 MUSIC Mournful, thoughtful.

002 CLARA                           So there I was, yet again. Locked out of sleep. Eyes wide,

staring at the ceiling for hours. If only ceilings were interesting. It would be a gift to insomniacs.

003 SOUND Music fades, replacing by birdsong, passing traffic.

004 CLARA   Morning comes in a rush of bright light and busy traffic. I lumber       around my home like an extra from ‘Dawn of the Dead’.

I’m a                                       dry battery. I’m late for work. I can’t focus.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

(continuing seamlessly from above)

005 CLARA | (Brightly) So hit me up, Doctor! Give me all of the pills. I’ll take whatever you’re selling, plus-size.

006 GP | Clara, there is a way to address insomnia that doesn’t involve medication.

007 CLARA | That sounds like far too much effort.

008 GP | It’s called sleep hygiene. Self-help techniques to promote good resting.

009 CLARA | I’m not the best at helping myself. I prefer it ladled from a silverservice platter. With a bit of a flourish, like an Italian waiter.

010 GP | Take a look at this pamphlet.

011 CLARA | “Avoid naps”. Duh. “Avoid late night caffeine”. “Associate your bed with sleep.” What else would I associate it with, ballroom dancing?

012 GP | Not everything on the list is going to work for you. Cherry pick what does.

013 CLARA | (Mock petulant) Fine.

014 GP | Obviously, sometimes the root cause needs to be addressed. (CHECKING NOTES) I see you took a leave of absence from work about a year ago.

015 CLARA | Yes. There was a bereavement in the family. My sister.

GP I | could put you on the waiting list for counselling.

016 CLARA | It was hard, but I got through the worst of it. I don’t think my sleep problems are because of Janet.

017 GP | Look, if you’ve done your best with these techniques, and you’re still getting no sleep, we will look at the medication.

018 CLARA                           Fine.

019 GP                                   Why don’t you start with the meditation process.

020 CLARA                           (Drily) I can’t wait. Meditation is so exciting.

MUSIC –                    END OF S 1

SCENE 2 INT – CLARA’S BEDROOM

021 CLARA                            (Reading the leaflet) ‘Meditation is the act of focusing the mind.

It will gently improve the awareness of your inner self.’ Okay. Insert CD…

022 FOLEY CD being inserted into player.

023 CLARA                           …then assume the lotus position.

024 MUSIC – HEAVY ROCK TRACK Suddenly a deafening hard rock track.

025 CLARA                           (Over the loud music) Shit, shit!

026 FOLEY The CD player clicks off.

027 CLARA                           Hmm. Looks I was trying to meditate to ‘Casket of Blood’s

Greatest Hits’.

028 FOLEY Clara changes the CD.

029 MEDITATION GUIDE Welcome to your first treatment. Today we will be performing some basic breathing exercises. You will breathe in to the count of four, hold for the count of three, and breathe out to the count of five.

030 CLARA                           I think I need a pocket calculator. (SHE BREATHES AS DIRECTED).

031 MEDITATION GUIDE Breathe in.. hold…. exhale. Each time you inhale, the breath travels throughout your body.

032 CLARA                           Oh, do get on with it. I know how to breathe.

033 MEDITATION GUIDE When you are finished counting your breaths, notice how calm and relaxed you are.

034 CLARA                           Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

035 MEDITATION GUIDE Now we will scan each area of your body for signs of tension. First, focus on your feet.

036 CLARA                           I don’t want to. Feet are ugly. They should be illegal.

037 MEDITATION GUIDE Your ankles…

038 CLARA                           Nor them.

039 MEDITATION GUIDE Knees…

040 CLARA                           Mine are like cobblestones.

041 MEDITATION GUIDE Pelvic area…

042 CLARA                           I’m an insomniac, not a nymphomaniac.

FOLEY – SINGING BOWL

043 MEDITATION GUIDE Lower back.

044 CLARA                           How many body parts does one have? Let’s fast forward this.

045 MEDITATION GUIDE (VOICE ON SQUEAKY FAST FWD) Abdomen. Stomach.

Chest.                                                 Shoulders. Elbows. Wrists. Hands. Neck. Face. Head.

046 CLARA                           There. I’m completely relaxed, and it took half the time.

047 MEDITATION GUIDE I will now introduce some cue words for relaxation. With each exhale, mentally say, "relax."

048 CLARA                           (Derisively) That’s genius. ‘Relax’ is the cue word for relaxation.

049 FOLEY Clara removes the CD.

050 CLARA                           I’m sorry, meditation person. I have the attention span of a goldfish at the best of times. (BEAT) God, I’m losing it. So tired. One good run of unbroken sleep. Just one. That’s all I ask. All I

need.

MUSIC – BETWEEN S2-3 SLEEPY

SCENE 3 INT. CLARA’S OFFICE.

051 SOUND The sounds of an admin office. Muted telephone calls, laughter, conversation. Clara is on the phone.

052 CLARA | Thanks, Steve. I owe you one. Gotta go, the bossman’s almost here. Dinner? Er, I don’t owe you that much. I can stretch to a vending machine snack bar. Yep. See you soon. Bye.

053 BILLA | (Entering) Finally off the phone, eh! It’s like trying to get an audience with the Pope.

054 CLARA | What can I do for you, Billa? I’m a bit tied up at the moment, and not in a good way.

055 BILLA | How would you describe this company, Clara?

056 CLARA | Is this a trick question?

057 BILLA | It’s a mechanism. With cogs, pistons and pumps. Even if the tiniest bit of machinery falters, it can affect an entire production.

058 CLARA | I hope you’re not about to suggest the staff need oiling.

059 BILLA | What?

060 CLARA | Look, it’s the age-old story. There’s always going to be more work than people.

061 BILLA | We must all be singing from the / same hymn sheet

062 CLARA | / I know, the same hymn sheet. I always was a terrible singer.

063 BILLA | You see, you’re doing it again.

064 CLARA | Doing what?

065 BILLA | You’re an agitator.

066 CLARA | An agitator? |  
067 BILLA | A destabilising element in an otherwise harmonious team. |  

068 CLARA | We’re not a barbershop quartet. We’re people doing our best. |  

069 BILLA | I’m sorry to say this, but I may have to put you on performance review. |  

070 CLARA | (Quietly angry) You should. I need to be more like you. Taking lunch on the driving range, followed by meetings with drowsy executives who spend your entire presentation texting their partners. (BEAT) You look agitated, Billa. |  

071 BILLA | I will not be spoken to like that! |  

072 CLARA | Keep your hair on! Whoops, far too late for that. |  
 |  |  | 

MUSIC- BILLA CHANGES INTO A MONSTER

073 SOUND Billa begins to change – the sound of his flesh contorting.

074 CLARA                           What the hell?

075 SOUND/BILLA Billa begins to emit a hideous growling noise as the transformation completes.

076 CLARA                           (Alarmed) I knew you were unhappy with my work, but is that

any reason to turn into a hideous lizard creature?

077 BILLA/MONSTER        (Voice electronically distorted) Come here, my succulent morsel! I will feast upon your flesh!

078 CLARA                           Oh, shit!

079 MUSIC    Fast paced music both menacing and upbeat. (MUSIC – SWORD DRAWN TO END OF WAIT A MINUTE)?

080 BILLA/MONSTER        Where are you? Don’t think you can hide from me! I am Billa the…. Lizard Man!

081 CLARA                           Help! Someone! Help!

MUSIC The music fades.

INT – CLARA’S BEDROOM.

082 CLARA | Oh! Oh! (SHE REALISES WHERE SHE IS). Of course. It was another damn nightmare. (Writing) Dream diary, Wednesday. Another dream about work, but this time Billa turned into a giantMUSIC – DREAMLIKESCENE 4 | leathery dragon with claws and teeth. Wish you were here to advise me, sis. You always knew what to do.

083 CLARA | I’ve become afraid of the night itself. Of how many broken
hours I’ll spend staring at nothing. Eyes moist and tired, yet still unable to sleep. Borderline exhaustion. It’s like I live in two worlds, both day and night. And the edges are blurring. 

084 FOLEY WRITING | 

085 CLARA | Maybe I really am falling apart. And I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this.

MUSIC – TRANSITION SC4- 5

SCENE 5 INT – DOCTOR’S OFFICE

086 CLARA | It’s getting worse, Doctor. When I do snatch an hour of sleep, |  
all | I have is nightmares. I’ve tried everything. Relaxing music, herbal remedies. I’ve even cut down on the red bull and coffee shots for supper. |  

086aGP | You are joking? |  

087 CLARA | Obviously. I think that… (Her voice trails off.) |  

088 GP | Is there something you’d like to tell me? |  

089 CLARA | Something happened on the road. Had a near miss. They had to swerve. My fault. I zoned out for a second. That’s all it takes.(Beat) I need to make some progress. Before it’s too late.

090 GP | You know, dreams can be a useful tool for self-analysis. How would you describe last night’s?

091 CLARA | Well, my boss turned into a giant lizard and tried to eat me.

092 GP | Do you have problems with him?

093 CLARA | Not really. He’s a bit of a bureaucrat in real life, but I don’t dislike him.

094 GP | Try to think about what the dream represents.

095 CLARA | Okay.

096 GP | You seem a pretty imaginative person. Have you tried visualisation? You paint a scene in your mind – whatever makes you feel relaxed. Take as long as you like. Fill in every little detail.

097 CLARA | I suppose I could try.

098 GP | I’ll make an appointment to see you in a couple of weeks. If that doesn’t work, I’ll write you a prescription immediately.

099 CLARA | Right.

100 GP | It just takes a wee bit of effort on your part. No silver platters. You just have to find what works for you.

101 CLARA | I’ll step up. Scout’s honour.

SCENE 6 INT – CLARA’S BEDROOM.

102  FOLEY Clara is sketching.

103  CLARA   There’s your visualisation, Doc. Janet always told me I was good at drawing.

104  FOLEY The sound of a sword being drawn.

105  CLARA   Face me, Billa! (Beat) ‘Billa’. Poor name for a monster. I’m not scared of you, you know. With your razor-sharp written warnings. What kind of creature are you, anyway? You’re not a dragon, exactly. You look like…. wait a minute.

106  FOLEY Clara rifles through her bookshelf, then flips through the pages of a book

107  CLARA   There. Found it.

(We hear Janet speaking the poem, as if it’s her voice Clara is thinking as she reads. There could be a little reverb on her voice to underline this).

108  JANET    ‘Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!’

109  CLARA   So that’s it. You’re a Jabberwocky. Lewis Carroll’s nonsense creature.

110  JANET    That’s right. So, put it together, sis!

111  CLARA   Put it together. What did the Doc say? It’s what the dream represents. (She turns the pages again) Aw, look at that. ‘To Clara, love Janet. Happy Birthday’. You used to love Alice in

Wonderland, didn’t you, Jan? Such unbridled imagination in those pages. (Excited by the realisation) Hang on. Maybe that’s the problem! I’ve lost the magic in my life. My job’s full of targets. Deadlines. Not an ounce of creativity. I don’t just feel drained of energy, I feel drained of imagination! Thanks, sis. Not sure how, but it seems you have been advising me, after all.

112  JANET    You’re welcome, Clara. Now get some sleep.

MUSIC – RETURN TO BILLA’S OFFICE OFFIVE FOLLEY TELEPHOPNE

SCENE 7 INT - BILLA’S OFFICE

113  FOLEY The office door closes.

114  BILLA     Ah, Clara. Thanks for popping in.

115  CLARA   No problem.

116  BILLA     I understand you wish to leave us. I was hoping you’d

reconsider. I’m willing to discuss an enhanced salary package.

117  CLARA   Thankyou, but I’ve decided I need to make some big changes

in my life. It’s for the best.

118  BILLA     I understand. And I’m sorry you feel that way.

119  CLARA   Thanks, Billa.

120  BILLA     But I’m afraid I cannot let you out of this room.

121  MUSIC – S6 TRANSFORM TO ABRUPT END

122  CLARA   Excuse me?

123  BILLA     Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I said you are not going anywhere. CUE UKE

124  CLARA   Have you developed a sense of humour?

125  BILLA     This is no joke. I am going to… [HIS VOICE CHANGES AS HE BECOMES THE JABBERWOCK] feast on your sweet human flesh, for I have come whiffling through the tulgey wood!

UKEOUT

126  CLARA   Oh, god. You’re quoting Lewis Carroll. This is a dream, isn’t it.

Either that, or I’m going mad.

127  BILLA     Oh, you can’t help that, we’re all mad here.

128  FOLEY The sound of a sword being drawn.

129  CLARA   Well, if you’re the Jabberwocky, that means I can use this vorpal sword to cut off your head. So run that one up the flagpole and see if the cat licks it.

130  BILLA     (ABRUPTLY RETURNING TO HIS HUMAN FORM) Oh, good

point, well made. Didn’t see that one coming.

131  FOLEY The sword being swiped through the air. SARAH GET SHOES READY

132  CLARA   Go on! Go doorstep someone else!

133  BILLA     (As he’s hurrying away) I’ll just be heading off! I’m late for an idea shower with the Chief Exec…! SARAH DO KARIM SHOES KICIKIN

134  FOLEY The office door being closed.

135  CLARA   What you get up to in your personal time is no concern of mine!

Now consider yourself slain. And when I wake up, I’ll be seeing you for real.

136  MUSIC Gentle, healing.

137  CLARA   ‘And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, ‘Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?’ (As she talks, she begins to feel drowsy.) Let’s see.

Visualisation. A vast rose garden, eternal under a sunset bloom Dandelion seeds hang in the air like angels, and weeping willows drift in the breeze. I think I’ll imagine every single rose. Goodnight, Jan

END MUSIC

KARIM

In Locked out by Paul Spencer were Tanja Milojevic as Clara, Evan Tess as the GP, Angelique Lazarus as the Meditation CD voice and _________________ as Janet. Live foley was by the uber amazing Ele Matelan and the cast, and our fabulous music by the ever amazing Tom Rory Parsons!

SARAH

(WAITS TIL END OF MUSIC) Well wasn’t that exciting. JANET! How was it for you? (IMPRO SOME WEE CHAT) Thank you for taking part in this years’ Live show, and if anyone wants to cast AUDIENCE NAME in future productions why not get in touch on the chat now!

FIONA

Yes, watch out world, Sarah we’ll be out of a job soon if we keep bringing more brilliant voice actors into the space.

SARAH

NAH. Always room for more. Especially those that listen to MADIVA PODCAST.

FIONA

Your voice acting “how to” podcast?

 SARAH

WHY YES FIONA. More folks should listen for top notch interviews with amazing people in the audio drama world including interviews with most of the people here today! Huzzhas!

FIONA

I think that’s enough personal promo for now.

SARAH

Ahh. SO. I can’t tell these audio drama loving folks they should subscribe to the fiction podcast news weekly - a brilliant weekly newsletter all about audio drama news and jobs and auditions and opportunities and events and more edited by Lindsay Harris Friel and …someone else?

FIONA

No. We haven’t got time.

SARAH

Oh. And I can’t mention ADWIT? The Audio Drama Writers Independent Toolkit I co-host with Lindsay Harris Friel for budding writers of audio drama everywhere?

FIONA NOPE

SARAH

AH. Shame. It’s reet useful. How’s about the fact that if you’re not a member of the audio drama hub on Facebook yet you’re missing a vibrant community of fellow audio drama folks of audio joy?

FIONA

No. You can’t advertise that here. It’s not Friday.

SARAH OK.

FIONA

Yeah. Never mind. On to the next script..!

SARAH

Huzzhas. This one’s special too isn’t it?

FIONA

Well er….

SARAH

FOLKS, cards on the table, Fiona entered the competition under a pseudonym and it was from the off in the choosing panel’s top few scripts, and her moment of confession that the name on the script was a pseudonym of hers was sublime. Though I have thought just now that ….what if she wasn’t really that pseudonym and she was just pretending it was hers cos it was one of the grooviest scripts so she could win!? GASP!

ALL Gasp!

FIONA

WHAT IFFFFF? Mwahahahaaaa etc

SARAH

Yes! So ‘Fiona’ - if that IS your actual REAL name.

FIONA

..I’m not at Liberty to say…

SARAH

You wrote this groovy comedy script with a good fun premise for some audience participation huh? Can you tell the folks what we need!

FIONA

Yes of course! So. Can you please start your video if you want to be considered for the roles of various farmyard animals and a cock in the next script…?

KARIM

Just to point out, it is a COCKERELL we need.

SARAH

Thank you Karim. Yes! So. Please do that if you want to help us out in our….farmyard scene. Superb. Don’t be shy, great! Angelique can you choose us a cock?

KARIM

COCKERELL

FIONA

COCKERELL!

ANGELIQUE

With pleasure! Bridget. Bridget Guziewicz .So. Would you like to play the COCKERELL!?

Wonderful. So whenever you see Fiona holding up this sign. (FIONA HOLDS UP COCK.

KARIM HOLDS ERELL) Please cocka doodle doo and cluck about to your hearts content. But do be sensitive to the script too – so..not too loud! Shall we practice!? When it’s up, cocka doodle dooo and cluck about a bit, when it’s down, stop!

FIONA

Let’s!

SARAH

Let’s hope there’s not a cock-up

FIONA Indeed

FIONA / KARIM HOLDS UP SIGN. DOWN. UP.N DOWN.

SARAH

Best cocking about I’ve ever seen.

NATHAN

YOU HAVEN’T LIVED

FIONA

Super. Well done cock!

ALL

COCKERELL

FIONA

So for this next script, Delivery of an alarm clock, we need some feisty, friendly farm animal sounds. So, do have a think about which would be your fave farm animal sound to make. I personally love a good baaa.

SARAH

Yes! Me too – mine’s a pint. Now, We need those feisty friendly farm animals to help enhance a later scene in this script. Those of you who want to play, turn on your video please AND GET READY TO GO ALL FARMUS ANIMALIUS.

NATHAN

Yes do – within reason. We’d also LOVE you to create your animals physically too, so feel free to move and look like a snorting pig or a bucking horse - I said bucking - or a lambing sheep or a sheepdog, a duck, a cow, a chicken or a…llama!

SARAH

Let’s see your llama Nathan.

NATHAN

Not in public Sarah. They’re just not ready for that.

EVAN

When you see FIONA holding up this sign (FIONA HOLDS UP ‘FARM MAKE NOISE!’ Sign. Then please make an appropriate farmyard animal noise – that includes you cock.

FIONA/KARIM

Cockerell.

TANJA

Ok. feisty ones. So animals, when Fiona takes the sign away, stop. You all got your animals chosen? Yes. Marvellous. Shall we…have a go?

FIONA

Let’s!

FIONA HOLDS UP FARM NOISES GO SIGN

PUTS IT DOWN

PUTS IT UP

PUTS IT DOWN X A FEW TIMES QUICKLY

EVAN

Great stuff people. Now if we think you’re too loud, Fiona will hold up this sign to get quieter (FIONA HOLDS UP THE DOWN ARROW SIGN), or this sign to get LOUDER (Fiona holds up UP ARROW) SO do make sure she’s pinned to your screen! Let’s have a practice. Cast of Pigs, horses, alapacas, cows, ducks, are you ready?

ALL CAST

(make sound of animal you’re doing)

FIONA

Lovely (FIONA HOLDS UP UP ARROW WITH ANIMALS DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP UP UP

UP DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ETC)

KARIM

And Stop! (DOES STOP SIGN) I think they’re ready! So. Please wait for your cue! Happy voicing! And thank you for joining in today! Feel free to embrace the animal physicality too!

ANGELIQUE.                                                                                                                                 And please be aware that this script is full of the sound of mastication, and a big horn. 

SARAH

How exciting! FOLEY TEAM ARE WE READY?

Ele Ready!

SARAH TECH!

PAUL

READY!

SARAH

VOICE ACTORS!

ALL READY!

SARAH

MUSIC BY KATIE SEATON 

PAUL

CUED 

FIONA

Let’s goooooo

MUSIC -  THEME MIX 1 STARTS

KARIM

Dashingly Quirky Bright Sides at the Edinburgh Free Festival 2021 presents - Delivery of an Alarm Clock by Fiona Thraille, with wonderful music by Katie Seaton.

DELIVERY OF AN ALARM CLOCK

SCENE: 1

EXT. THE OUTDOOR CORRIDOR IN A BLOCK OF

FLATS. OUTSIDE FLAT NUMBER 603

001 MUSIC:               THEME MIX 1 HAPPY, COMEDY

002 SOUND:             BRIGHT KNOCKING ON DOOR

003 DELIVERY: | Morning! Delivery!
004 JEREMY: | Hello. Good morning... uh, what's this?
005 DELIVERY: | (MOVING BACK)  A llama.
006 JEREMY: | A llama?
007 LLAMA: | Prrrrrrr
008 DELIVERY: | Yip
009 JEREMY: | There must be some mistake! We didn't order a...
(BEAT, | CALLING BACK INSIDE) Jean! Jean! You didn’t
order a | llama did you?
010 JEAN: | (OFF, SHOUTING) An alarm clock?
011 DELIVERY: | A llama. Cock's behind it.
012 JEREMY: | Behind it?
013 DELIVERY: | (GOING OFF, CALLING BACK) Yeah. Behind the llama.
014 COCKEREL: | Cock-a-doodle-do!
015 JEREMY: | Come back! You can't just leave them here! We didn't order...
016 LLAMA: | Prrrrrrrrr.

017 MUSIC:          1- Musical Transition

SCENE 2:

INT. FLAT 603

018 SOUND: LLAMA MUNCHING LEAVES, UNDER

019 JEAN: | So why’d’you take them in then?

020 JEREMY: | I dunno. He ran off!

021 JEAN: | Doesn't that make us, like, legally responsible now you've gone and accepted them?

022 JEREMY: | No. That's eviction notices.

023 JEAN:eat? | We'll be getting one of them an’ all if we're caught with... (BEAT) Hey stop that! My poor plant! I hope it's not poisonous to llamas, is it? Is it?(PAUSE)What do they..

024 JEREMY: | I dunno. Google it!

025 JEAN: | You need to complain to that delivery company. Why would they even think someone on the 6th floor would want them? We haven't even got a balcony.

026 JEREMY: | Jean. You can't keep a llama on a balcony.

027 JEAN: | And the cockerel could fly off, couldn't it? Could it fly if it fell? How high can they go?

028 JEREMY: | I dunno. Google it. Let me finish my cuppa and then I’ll sort this out.

029 COCKEREL: | Cock-a-doodle-do

030 JEAN: | If the neighbours hear it, we’re in trouble. You remember poor old Nell, on the fifth?

031 JEREMY: | Go on then. Pull the curtains. It’ll think it’s night.

032 FOLEY: | CURTAINS BEING DRAWN

033 JEAN: | Someone got that little dog taken away from her.  She only lasted a week after. People can be heartless with rules. (BEAT) Not my cactus! You’ll hurt yourself, you silly...
(BEAT) Hang on, what’s this? She’s got a label!Look!

034 LLAMA: | (SPITS)

035 JEREMY: | Yeah? What’s it say?

036 JEAN: | Ugh, give me a moment, she spat on me! (BEAT) Llamas can’t catch the virus, can they?

037 JEREMY: | I dunno. You wanna try putting a mask on her?

038 JEAN: | Easy there! Good girl… see if we can find who sent you, shall we?

039 LLAMA: | (SPITS)

040 JEAN: | Enough of that, madam… (BEAT) Ah, that explains it!They got the numbers wrong. You’re for flat nine oh three, not six oh three, aren’t you darling? |  

041 JEREMY: | Well. That explains everything… apart from why they want a llama on the ninth floor? I’d lay money on it, it’ll be an alarm clock they ordered. |  

042 JEAN: | The cockerel will do a good job of that, actually… |  

043 JEREMY: | Well, whatever they ordered, they can sort it all out. |  

044 JEAN: | The ninth is an odd floor, so they do have balconies. Lucky so-and-sos. It’s not fair. |  
045 JEREMY: | So? You cannot keep a llama on a balcony. Come on. I’m gonna need your help. |  

046 MUSIC: 2 – Musical Transition

SCENE 3:

INT. LIFT AND STAIRCASE AREA, 6TH FLOOR

047 FOLEY048 JEREMY:049 JEAN:050 JEREMY:051 JEAN:052 JEREMY | CLOPPING OF LLAMA HOOVES, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH(COMING ON) Of course they’ll fit! That delivery girl got them in, didn’t she? (BEAT) (LIFT SOUND) Oh no!!What’s that say? “Out of Order. Due to excrement.Please Use Stairs”Right. That’s why our carpet’s okay. Did it all in the lift on the way up.Eww! (BEAT) Which means… Oh I dunno, can llamas climb stairs?(SHOUTING OVER) I dunno! Google it!

053 MUSIC: 3 – Musical Transition

SCENE 4:

EXT. THE OUTDOOR CORRIDOR IN A BLOCK OF

FLATS. OUTSIDE FLAT NUMBER 903

054 JEREMY: | (STRUGGLING NOISES, OFF)

055 LLAMA: | (HRUMPHING STRUGGLING NOISES, OFF)

056 JEAN:WITH PHONE | Yes! At last! (BEAT) Here, how come they’ve got better reception on the ninth? (CALLING BACK TO JEREMY ON STAIRS) Anyway, No. No, according to this, llamas are not keen on stairs.

057 JEREMY: Really? ( DROPSLLAMA.  HEAVY BREATHING AS HE  RECOVERS)

058 FOLEY: LLAMA DROP | (OUT OF BREATH, SARCASTIC) 

059 LLAMA: | (SLIGHTLY SURPRISED AND RELIEVED LLAMANOISE)

060 FOLEY: APPROACHING SLOW LLAMA CLOPS, UNDER

061 JEAN: | No. Funny really, because Mr McDuster managed it all by himself, didn’t you?

062 COCKEREL: | (GENTLE CLUCKS)

063 JEREMY: | You’ve not named it?

064 JEAN: | Balconies, four bar phone reception… I tell you, we need to keep an eye out for any flats going up here. (BEAT) Here we are. Nine oh three.

065 JEREMY: | (INTENSE) Now. We take a leaf out of the delivery girl’s book. Ring. Deliver. Run. We don’t wanna get embroiled, | okay?

 066 JEAN: | Bye bye little one…

067 JEREMY: | Not. Embroiled. Now – go!

068 FOLEY | FRONT DOOR BELLRINGS

069 FOLEY

070 JEREMY: Morning! Delivery! Bye!

071 NEIGHBOUR:Wait! This is the wrong order!

072 JEREMY:(GOING OFF)That’s a shame! Ring the company!

073 NEIGHBOUR: Do you have the number? There’s no label here… 

074 JEAN:(COMING BACK) Yeah, we’ve got that...

075 JEREMY:(ALMOST OFF) What are you doing?!

076 JEAN:(TO JEREMY) Well we have!  (TO NEIGHBOUR) I’ll put it here. We’re still distancing.

077 NEIGHBOUR:I can’t accept this delivery. This isn’t a llama.

078 JEAN:(CONFUSED) I think you’ll find it is.

079 NEIGHBOUR:It’s an alpaca

080 JEAN:Is it? Aren’t they the same?

081 NEIGHBOUR:This has small ears. Llama ears are the size of a banana.

082 JEAN:Rrrrrright…. banana

083 JEREMY:(ALMOST OFF) Come on!

084 NEIGHBOUR:And alpacas are much more aggressive.

085 JEAN: That explains a lot! It can’t half spit! And the way it tried to go for Jeremy while he was carrying it...

| FRONT DOOR OPENS & IS PULLED TO, BEHIND NEIGHBOUR.

 086 NEIGHBOUR: | He carried it?!

087 JEAN: | Lift’s full of… doings.

088 NEIGHBOUR: | Um… look, I’ll take the rooster, but I’m not receiving the alpaca.

089 JEAN: | Because you don’t want to take legal responsibility?

090 NEIGHBOUR: | Of something I didn’t order? Obviously!

091 JEAN: | Ha! I knew I had it right!

092 JEREMY: | (APPEARS) No. We are not taking back anything. We’re from the sixth floor. We accidentally took in your delivery.

093 NEIGHBOUR: | You “accidentally” took in an alpaca and a rooster?

094 JEAN: | We thought it was a llama.

095 NEIGHBOUR: | And you live downstairs?

096 JEAN: | Yes. This is Jeremy. I’m Jean. Number six oh three.

097 NEIGHBOUR: | (LYING, AWKWARD) This has all been a very big misunderstanding! I, er, meant to change the delivery address. These are for my cousin. Who’s a farmer. Who doesn’t live in these flats. Obviously. That’d be impossible! It’s his birthday. And… well, he’s always wanted a rooster – wake him up, y’know! And a llama. A childhood wish, really, so I can’t let him down. I’ll take them to him obviously. In a while.

098 JEREMY: | Right. Do you want a hand getting them downstairs?

099 NEIGHBOUR: | That’s ever so kind. Thank you. No, I’ll be fine.

100 JEAN: | That lift is…(ew face)

101 NEIGHBOUR: | Doings. Yes. (BEAT) No, I’ll just have a cuppa and then I’ll sort them out… Thanks. Bye.

102 COCKEREL: | (INTERESTED CLUCKING, MOVING)

103  FOLEY: DOOR CREAKS OPEN

104  SOUND: SOUND OF A HUGE, OPEN FARM – COWS, BIRDS, SHEEP ETC.

105 JEAN: | That’s it Mr McDuster. You go through and….(GASP) There’s a farm in there!

105 A | DOOR SLAM

106 NEIGHBOUR: | (TOO FAST) No there’s not.

107 JEAN: | There is! Jeremy, there is! Cows and sheep and…

108 JEREMY: | What’s wrong with you?

109 JEAN: | Open the door.

110 NEIGHBOUR: | Why should I?

111 JEAN: | I can smell the manure! (wretch)
112 JEREMY: | That’s the lift.

113  FOLEY: SHUFFLING, RESTLESS CLOPS

114  JEAN:     And you can smell the grass, can’t you?

115  LLAMA:  PRRRRRRR...

116  JEAN:     He’s a farmer. I bet he is. Aren’t you?

117  NEIGHBOUR:   Please keep your voice down! The neighbours...

118  JEREMY:           I do apologise – come on Jean! We’re done here.

119  NEIGHBOUR:   Okay, okay! (URGENT, SOTTO) Get the alpaca in quickly, come in.

120  FOLEY: DOOR OPEN

121  SOUND: SOUND OF A HUGE, OPEN FARM – COWS, BIRDS, SHEEP ETC.

122  FOLEY: FARM ANIMAL NOISES

 123 JEAN: | (LOOKIN ROUND) It’s… real.

124 JEREMY: | What? What is this?

125 NEIGHBOUR: | Shut the door behind you, quick. I don’t want to lose any sheep again.

126 JEREMY: | It’s incredible!

127 NEIGHBOUR: | It’s far from perfect. I’m still living in the barn in the shower at the moment.

128 JEREMY: | It’s not possible. How can all this…?

129 NEIGHBOUR: | We did knock through to next door to increase the arable land. The chickens and ducks manage with what used to be the master bedroom, cows and sheep in this field, the llamas will be on the balcony…

130 JEAN: | I told you!

131 NEIGHBOUR: | The thing is, now you’ve seen it, I can’t have you telling the neighbours. There are a lot of curtain twitchers, you understand. Someone even told the authorities about an elderly lady’s dog.

132 JEAN: | Nell! Yes, I was telling Jeremy earlier.

133 NEIGHBOUR: | And that wasn’t even a proper dog, hardly more than a hamster. And yet it was evicted. How will the authorities respond to a herd of Friesians? Councils tend to be closed-minded when it comes to tower-block agriculture.

134     JEREMY: | (FULL OF DREAD) So…

135 NEIGHBOUR: | I have worked long and hard to get this going. Installing the combine harvester almost killed me. I will not see it go under.

136 JEAN: | We won’t tell anyone.

137 JEREMY: | Not a soul!

138 NEIGHBOUR: | (THREATENING) I have to make sure you don’t.(OMINOUS PAUSE, SIGH)The best I can offer is half a dozen eggs and 4 pints a week. The bees are doing well, so I can’t promise, but there could be a few jars on the side. What do you say?

139 JEREMY: | That sounds very acceptable, doesn’t it Jean?(SHE NODS QUICKLY)

140 NEIGHBOUR: | Excellent. I’ll set up a contract.

141 JEAN: | Er…Can I come and visit sometimes?Just to have some walks? It’s not the same going round town.

142 NEIGHBOUR: | I think we could arrange that. (SMILE, WALKING OFFINTO THE DISTANCE, WORDS FADING INTO MUSIC)

143  MUSIC: OUTRO RISES UNDER HIS SPEECH

144  FOLEY: FARM ANIMAL NOISES CRESCENDO

145  OUTRO THEME MUSIC:   HAPPY, COMEDY

146  NEIGHBOUR. As you’re here, you might as well see the yurts. Not quite                                                    finished, but we’re thinking about a festival next summer. Of course we’d need some help in getting the crowds in and out quietly. But still….

TANJA: You have just listened to the world premiere performance of DELIVERY OF AN ALARM CLOCK by Fiona Thraille. Starring Karim Kronfli as Jeremy, Sarah Golding as Jean, Nathan Blades as the farmer neighbour, Angelique Lazarus as the llama and other animals, the cast and these audience members (FIONA HOLD UP FARM SIGN) as various farm animals, and introducing 

Bridget Guziewicz

as the COCK

CAST: COCKERELL!

TANJA: COCKERELL! Our wonderful music was by Katie Seaton and live foley was made by Ele Matelan and the cast. Thank you all for listening!

FIONA HOLD UP ANIMAL SOUND SIGN. AND DOWN.

SARAH

HURRAY! Thank you – Quieten down now ya filthy animals – And a special thanks to Andy Wright on Flickr for his wonderful Park Hill Corridor photograph. aLL OTHER IMAGES FREE FROM PIXABAY. 

AND Thank you too, to our walk-on voice Actor Bridget who I hope will be lauded worldwide for their efforts, as a cock… 

ALL

COCKERELL

SARAH

Yes one of those - and let’s hope it leads to requests from folks wanting to cast you in alla da things. You made a great cock….erell….

FIONA

Yes! Special commendation also to the pigs and cows for being amazing and ….NAME SOMEONE WHO STOOD OUT FOR YOU FOR BEING AWESOME!

SARAH

Well, we are truly happy to have presented these two marvellous new audio drama scripts for you, and they will also be released as audio only on the Quirky Voices Presents feed too and on youtube…sooon!

FIONA

Yes and do have a lookout for our previous live shows, also available online on the Quirky Voices Presents feed available on any podcatcher.

SARAH

Yeah do – loads of fun stuff there – and I think it’s important now,  that we get to celebrate our authors, as, after all, it is entirely their fault we are all here celebrating new writing that fell out of their heads and onto a keyboard and now into your heads too. Please can we have a wave of hands for Paul Spencer and Fiona Thraille who are right now receiving their trophies!!

CAN SOMEONE HAND YOU YOUR TROPHIES.???

SARAH

Yes with hearty congratulations to you both! Thank you trophy givers! So Paul, congratulations on submitting and winning our Dashingly Quirky Comp 2021. And it has to be said, for then also coming onboard and offering your services to do the tech help for today! Now…it’s a good but ole question…..what inspired you to write this script and….any top tips for future writers of audio scripts for the formula to success!?

PAUL ANSWERS

FIONA

And….what was it like rehearsing with, and listening to your creation live….any surprises?

PAUL ANSWERS

SARAH

And Fionananannaaaaa. Winnerrr! I’m intrigued about your pen name and also how you came up with the idea for this fun script. Rumours are there was a tipple involved! Any top tips for future writers of audio working on scripts to be performed with live Foley?

FIONA ANSWERS

SARAH

Grand! And I think we need a little catch up with the brilliance of our foley expert this evening! Let’s all wave some hands for the effervescent…. Ele Matelan!

FIONA

Thank you Ele for your amazing contributions and….backbone of the performance this evening. We know we’ve had quite a few challenges along the way to the performance today, and to get the best out of the limitations of this online performance medium – zoom.

SARAH

Yes, can you share with the audience any top tips on creating foley for such a live show????!!

ELE ANSWERS

FIONA

And how do you develop your ideas for the sounds and ambience for your shows?

SARAH

What’s the most amazing and creative sound effect you’ve ever had to do live, and how did you do it and what did you do it with???

FIONA

SUPERB. Well let’s hear it again for Ele please folks who has definitely enhanced the wonderful live performance of today’s new writing audio scripts. Thank you Ele!

SARAH

WE ALSO want to highlight the absolute wonderous talent of our musicians composers this evening. Tom Rory Parsons and Katie Seaton. We approached these two having worked with them before quite a bit and knowing how stunningly amazing their music is on such shows as Breathless and Wolpertingers for 11th hour audio…the hidden people and Rusty Quill projects for Kaitie…

FIONA

SCP ARCHIVES AND KIND HEARTS, and Ivory Towers and The Astral Queen amongst other credits for Tom. Briliant. And both pieces have been super enhanced by the presence and immersion of your original compositions, so thank you very much for working with us! Let’s give them a huge wave of hands folks!

SARAH

Superb. So, all that remains to be said is a little goodbye from us unless you are one of our highly valued donation contributors to our fundraiser, in which you are welcome to click in the zoom room link sent to you, and can come and hang out with us straight after this event in our EXCLUSIVE VIP zoom green room in a moment, where we will continue to chat and interview all the folks involved in the show today in a Kind of AUDIO drama hub virtual pub style chilled session. Ele is also going to be on hand to demonstrate some coolest foley funnn….

FIONA

Yes, If you haven’t contributed and do want to join us, feel free to ping some pennies to the Quirky Voices Ko-fi in the next few minutes - we’ll put the link in the chat to the fundraiser – all donations welcome as well as some great perks to take advantage of including a voice acting 121 with Sarah, some editing help from us both, Home recording setup help with Tanja, and so much more - any pennies there will be pooled together to pay the performers, musicians, and glorious foley artists you have seen today. You will then receive the zoom link for the Green Room session to your email in the next 10 minutes, and… we’ll see you again in a moment for more audio drama chats and bantz.

SARAH

Actual bantz?

FIONA ACTUAL.

SHOW MUSIC

FIONA

Thank you to Tom Rory Parsons and Katie Seaton for their fabulous music. Follow them on twitter as @ttom19 and @katieseaton9 https://tomroryparsons.bandcamp.com https://katharineseaton.com/about/

 SARAH

Thank you to Ele Matelan for captaining our awesome live foley - where can folks find your other works and social media links Ele?

FIONA

THANKS to Paul Spencer for running the tech Side of things and writing us such a fun script to play with…

PAUL

You’re very welcome…and if you feel like it, you can follow me on twitter @duke1701

SARAH

AND TO YOU FIOANANANANAAA for also writing us some awesome fun new words to play with! Follow her on @fthrll AND @DashingOnions

FIONA

And follow Sarah on @sarahofgolding and @QuirkyVoices and Mrs Sheffield might just follow you back.

SARAH

Ominous.

FIONA

Our voice actors….Where can folks find your wares and hear your awesome in other things? Karim?

KARIM

NAME THINGS YOU WANT TO PLUG AND SOCIALS. Angelique…

ANGELIQUE

Name things you want to plug and socials. Evan….

EVAN

Name things you want to plug and socials. Tanja….

TANJA

Name things you want to plug and socials. Nathan….

NATHAN

Name things you want to plug and socials. Sarah…

SARAH

AND doooo check out all the Dashing Onions works from Fiona Thraille including a new brilliant AF season coming soon called PERFECT RETREAT, some calming positivity boosting short microfiction pieces flow flow flow and some super audio drama stories on the Dashing Onions buzzsprout feed, also available everywhere! You’re also involved in a good number of shows as a voice actor Fiona huh? What should folks look out for?

I’m lucky to be a regular on Edict Zero and A Scottish Podcast, and have a couple of little roles coming up in Boston Metaphysical Society - and I do have some audiobooks on Audible too….AND there’s a few things on the Quirky Voices Presents feed you should have a look at including the women’s health podcast Anyone F’Coffee Which I also had fun on and Executive produced, the voice acting podcast MADIVA which has just aired it’s last ep of season 4, and some superb original audio drama including the 4 times nominated New Jersey Webfest finalist Rosa Kranz and Gilda Stern aren’t dead by Emily C A Snyder, as well as Bogeys and Ghoulies and A Madcap season

SARAH

WHICH I WILL FINISH RELEASING THIS YEAR! I will I will. And look out for my new interview show INDIE AF coming this autumn – or fall – I can’t decide which, and do have a listen to Edict Zero, Amelia Project, Scottish Podcast, Tunnels, Oz9, The Orphans And the upcoming St Kilda and Cyclone wherein I pop up in a variety of guises living my best life!

FIONA

Yes do! Thank you all for coming. Huzzahs to Ele, Angelique, Evan, Tanja, Karim, Nathan, Sarah

SARAH

Fiona…

FIONA

Paul, Katie, Tom, Scrapnik, all our walk ons, birds and farm animals today, and of course – all of you!…Now go out there and write some inspiring audio drama yourself.

SARAH

Yeah, Go listen to some more. And write! And share and review! And feel free to share this podcast episode when it airs, and shout us out on your social media channels,  citing yourself as an important part of making it happen!

FIONA

In fact, shall we do a zoom selfie?

SARAH

Lets! Turn your camera on if you wanna be in the Dashingly Quirky Bright Sides Pic Smile everyone…give us a fun face and thumbs up – say bright sides!  - 3…2…1! (SARAH SCREENSHOT) Please Do join the audio drama hub Facebook group to find out about more events like this, and…this screenshot! … check out all the shows folks on this show work on, and….Have a Dashingly Quirky year.

FIONA

Thank you and …unless we see you at the EXCLUSIVE VIP GREEN ROOM CHAT IN A MOMENT – Which opens in 10 minutes - .bye bye!

SARAH

BYE

ALL Goodbyes.

MUSIC – PLAY INTRO MUSIC AGAIN

All leave for 10 min break before entering the ZOOM GREEN ROOM FOR CHILLED

BANTZ

PUT LINK FOR DONATIONS INTO THE CHAT AGAIN

PUT AUDIO DRAMA HUB LINK INTO CHAT AGAIN

WRITE

THANK YOU FOR COMING, BYE!

End transmission